Well, the ranking for mid-term exam was released few days ago. fyi, as I told you guys before, my results was terrible, thus indeed, my ranking isn't satisfy as well, despite I improved. But my average isn't good enough compared to friends around, most of them are able to get into top 10, but me, out of 10 again. Indeed, again. Ranking for my entire form is much worse, although I have improved, but still... worse.
Anyway, a lot of people telling me not to compare with others, including my mama, well, I haven't tell my dad about the ranking by the way. LOL However, it's tremendously difficult for someone like me to stop comparing myself to people around me, especially those who are really good in studies.
Sometimes, so sorry to say that, when I am standing around with those awesome people, I am so stressful. The invisible pressure press against my shoulder and makes me suffocate, grow deeper into the ground. I was suffering for breathe. They are too great and higher level for me. I feel inferior. I am small.
I tried to block these kind of negative thoughts, but no matter how hard i've tried to deal with 'em, they were still be able to slip through the gaps and fused with my mind. I wasn't be able to help myself, I was completely lost. I felt so small among them, I mean, my light-shrank-brain. LOL All these happened isn't on my own will, I definitely do not want this to happen, somehow it just happen naturally.
I can't help myself. Just feel not as smart and clever as them, especially hang around with them - bloody awesome people. Therefore, sometimes I opt to stay alone, do my own stuff, separate myself from them. Well, I feel better by doing so, at least I am comfortable with it.
Regardless of my stupid thinking that mix up my mind, I will attempt to stay happy and positive. Besides, as a result of all these happened since my latest practical exam, I lost my confidence as well, hence perhaps I should start off on something to regain my confidence. LOL
Guilt stabs. Okay, I should off to go now. What I am encountering right now is nothing compared to things in future. We gain experiences and grow up, become mature. :)
Anyway, I was merely trying to express everything out of my mind and heart, I don't want any of 'em stay in me for too long, because I think I will mentally collapse one day. hehe I feel good and pinch of relief after spill out something. thanks! I must get rid of all these obstacles! because,
I am strong.
Life isn't always about complaining, we should tidy up everything and move on. :)
This is life, we all must undergo 'hardships' and we learn.
Jam. lovess. life
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