much to like.

Time flies. hmm, I was supposed to go to school yesterday as it was the last day of school for me. Yet, I skipped. teehee. Then, November comes with the holidays. Happiness! I'm gonna enjoy my holiday, my life right now, since I can't let my hair down after these two months, because next year is the year for me to fight forward. SPM. wtf

Well, most of the elders definitely will give me a piece of advice as to make a good use of this holiday for study, for SPM. Ironically, me never. Holiday is holiday, study is kinda spoiler of the holiday, so NOPE. I'm not letting anything to spoil my precious lovely holiday. After a month of exhausting exam, I eventually get a gap to grasp for fresh air. Why would I give up my holiday for something called study? I'm afraid, it's not my type. teeehee

I hate to say this but true, soon holiday will gone and school gonna reopen, and so I step into Form5. Tough end of everything. I am actually kinda scared, because I got a quite terrible result for this year end exam. I am afraid to drop to some other classes, since my friends are so so so steady and pass with flying colours. However, I can't follow their super pace. I know where my limit is and so I should not compete or compare with them. Somehow human's mentality are quite bizarre, they love to do things that would make them suffer. WEIRDOS, like me. I actually make myself suffer all the time, well, mentally. 

The fear never letting me go. I could not sleep some nights. It was awful, the fear kept swirling around me, I was nearly passed out. *exaggerated. I was thinking what would happen if I really go to other class where I know nothing, no one. It's gonna be a genuine different environment and I am forced to adapt myself to the new yet strange place. I am scared and terrified by my own imagination and over-thinking. LOL Seriously, it is horrible, isn't it? 

I confronted it once, despite it was a good turning point. However, I hope this time, the turning point will not happen, since I do not hope bad thing would happen to me. And so, that time, I cried. I was scared to encounter something completely new to me. I was freak out. Anyhow, I am fortunate to meet good gals and guys. They are my besties for ever! :)

During every exam, after I completed my papers, I thought a lot of things. Everything that happened, made my brain kept working none stop. I kept thinking and thinking and thinking.. What I've done to make me suffer like hell. What I've done could lead me to this inconceivable ending. Well, I hope it isn't the end yet, I wish turning point happen. Or everything happens since long ago, but I couldn't realize. They did not put themselves in my shoes, did they? They enjoy their friendship and neglected someone like me, perhaps they did. I am so lucky enough to have them. 

I'm not condemning, but things happened and did they realize? I have no idea. 

I was thinking, is it my fate to have no true one? Because everything happened then and now evident the fact. When I was in primary... well, I used to have, but then it doesn't last long. NEVER. why? I asked. Secondary, same thing happened, doesn't last long too... why? I asked. Is it my problem or.. what?! I asked. I have so many questions in my mind but I could not get myself any answers for it. And so, I open my mind.

Maybe it is still not the right timing, I told myself. I'll wait for the true one, despite how tough the path would be. I'll look for it, because I need one to make myself stronger. You know, besties always make you stronger. When we find someone we can open ourselves to them, we get stronger. 

If you have one beside you, cherish you what have, you're lucky to have one. They are more than what you think they are. 

Jam. lovess