|Photo taken at Halong Bay, |
check out >> Hanoi Day FOUR if you're interested.
Hello everyone, hope you are doing well in life. Today is not going to be any interesting post, I'm very sorry if you are looking forward to it. It's just another random post that I just wanna sit down and have some personal time with myself and my blogging life. And of course you, if you are really reading this. haha
Recalling to my old-self like 10 years ago, a lot of changes did happened. Puberty does did something to me. hahaha And of course not only puberty, the world itself changed me loads. And those changes had become part of my growth. Sometimes, I just want to be myself, the old-self where I can REALLY be genuine. However, the world tends to refuse that determination and forces me to change. And I had to, even though I do not want to change because I like how I used to be. Ironically, it couldn't happen, because the influences under myself are way too strong that in order to survive in this world, I have to change myself and adapt to whatever that comes to me.
It is cruel to me, to the old-self that wanted to come out and enjoy the world. Yet, it is forced to be kept down inside myself. It is sad, and perhaps that old-self may have time to take a break and be protected by all the changes. Sometimes, I have to remind myself, that the old-self still exists, just that I can't genuinely show it to the world, because myself could get hurt if I do so. It's cruel, and we all know. The world advances so fast, that sometimes myself couldn't even keep up with. Now, it's almost the end of 2016. How time has gone, wasted, and maybe not? We wish to stay at certain moment so that we wouldn't need to confront the upcoming hardships and stress. However, it's cruel that what we wish for can never happen.
At certain phase of life, we thought we have grown up to someone better, but actually not. We have not stop growing up and learning lessons, life lessons. Someone may find it interesting, because we are progressing and moving forward; someone may find it exhausting, because we are progressing too fast and not able to fully enjoy that particular moment. It's funny how life tricks us to believe that we are actually growing and learning, becoming wiser or maybe not.? Basically, we are just creating a meaningful journey to the end of our life. Isn't? I have no means of negativity, or whatever, but let's be real okay, aren't we just waiting for death as time passes by? And it is really hilarious how life tells us that we are growing and whatsoever that happen in our lives. I know death is one of the phases, but from the overview, that is the end of a life. Everything that is going to happen brings to an end, which is death.
But I want to enjoy my life, really before I turn into ashes. However, not everyone's dream can come true. I'm not saying that my current life is bad, but just I wish it could be what I want it to be. The reality that crushes it, making my journey kind of painful. I'm so jealous for those who are able to reach for their dreams, I sometimes wonder why I am not doing that. Perhaps due to my incapability, my dreams are not allowed to be true. It hurts me so deep when every time I see those people, I just want to jump off the cliff and hope that I might have a different restart. HAH But that doesn't happen. It is a fcking life that I have to endure and embrace the flaws. I by no means of criticizing my life or everything that has been given to me. I am grateful for what I have today, just that I am incapable to make it better for myself.
You might think that I am selfish, because everything that I've said are only for myself. Let's be honest, I am no great saint or whosoever that sacrifice myself to make others' lives better. I used to think that maybe my little effort can make someone's life a little better, but it doesn't turn out well. Not everyone appreciate your effort, most of the time they take it for granted. So, I've changed my mind, because when I think of it, every feelings of myself, no one can ever share. All feelings that I have in myself, nobody can make it better, nor they can feel it as what I've experience. I have to embrace all of them, they can't genuinely understand every single strand of my feelings. Then, I realize, we can't share everything, that's a little piece of selfishness we have as a human. So, I have to do any thing to protect myself, and put myself as a priority. I am the one who is carrying all these feelings, burdens and my life. Not the others who can simply enter and just gone in the next minute. I have to be responsible for my life that is given to me.
I do met certain good people, sometimes in my life, but it doesn't last long. You will slowly realize that people are not perfect, they cannot be perfectly a good person, inside-out. It's realistic world, after all. There is no fairy tales in world like this.
take care and loveya'll,