被嘲讽的梦想

静静的 回想起昨天 那可耻的笑声 依旧回响在我脑海里

不解为何 也不需要明白 

就算 它只是一个梦 我也不介意 

他们不理解我的梦 无所谓 更不需要 

梦想 就是如此的不真实 尽管我不断地告诉自己 

嘲讽 只不过是个无聊的游戏 

梦想 也只是一个美丽的谎言 

我向往的世界 不需要他们的存在 更不需要他们的祝福 

Regrets are pains in ass of life.

I'm back after more than one month of abandon. Sincerely apologize to erm, no one? that read my blog posts. lol Because I wasn't in the mood to type out my thoughts because there are abundance of them swirling in my mind. It would be exhausting to puke them out of my mind, haha. Anyway, wordy post has returned. 

I have officially finished my Grade 8 for both practical and theory of my music. Well, kind of, hopefully I pass my theory examination which has ended two weeks ago. Otherwise, I will need to retake, which I reluctant to do so, but I ain't got choice though. Anyway, then it comes to a very difficult moment and I hate to encounter this in my life. Should I go further or no? It actually came across my mind after I've done my practical. However, I just couldn't make up my mind. I am scared. What if I can't keep up with the standard of Diploma and I could be wasting my time and money. All those different kind of thoughts kept popping in my mind and a war just started inside. Moreover, I have to make sacrifices as well. My academy is getting heavier and more stressful than previously, what if I can't spare my time for my practice? And when it comes to practical, practice is the key to get the best results. That's why I was stucked there and I hate putting myself in such situation where I couldn't make any decision, because I'm scared.

Why do I chose to live?

There must be some times, when you question yourself, "why do I chose to live?". If you don't, then great, you're probably living your life in a fulfilling way. Congratulations! 

But I do often thought of that question, because I'm just curious about the reasons of making such decision. Maybe, my life currently isn't really living up to my expectation, and I should literally reflect on that. 

Somehow, things will definitely trigger such thought, "why do I chose to live?". Sometimes, this really put me into deep thoughts, because of the mixed feeling I have. Why do I chose to live? I have literally no idea, as I was told to live. Have you ever think of the objectives to live? Like in depths. And now I realized that I didn't really live up to my life, in a meaningful way.

When I was in primary school, I had no idea what's living was and going to school was playing a huge part of my life, so I lived. Until 12 years old, confronting UPSR, I lived for straight A's which I never would dream of. And I did it, unexpectedly. Then I realized I can actually achieve something, I'm not that useless. Then, slowly picking up some shatters of my confidence. Proceeding to secondary school, I lived for studies again and my music academy. It was kind of stressful, as I recall now. It was the moment when I found out I made a mistake in my life, but still I carried on, because I couldn't afford to keep losing. I know the passion needs to be freed, yet not so soon. So for PMR, I managed to get through and lived up to my objective; yet SPM made me come to a sense that it was time to return to reality as I might be reaching my limits and doing something that mismatched to my ability, interests, and life goals.

A Midnight Thought, they say.

It takes a lot of courage to keep living. It is definitely not an easy task in life, by just keeping yourself alive and to live. In life, we might find ourselves turning into different people in different stages of life. Some people call it changes, but I think it is the growth of someone's life. I try my best to not judge when people "change", despite I used to, but now I started to realize, everyone changes over time. It is a life fact.

However, when time changes, life does change, because something can never stay the same forever. People will eventually get tired, fed up and bored of the repeating routine in their lives. I can't blame them for thinking for a change, because life is too short to keep your life at a consistent level. Just like heartbeat, when it becomes a horizontal line, it's no longer a life sign. 

Then, uncertainty gets in their way to have a change. The fear behind of a change causes hesitations and worries. There is not precise prediction outcome of a change that can guarantee a life. So, fear it is, that chases away a change. So, some of them, they choose to merely exist. But, living is a genuinely a different story than just exist. 

There it is, to keep living, courage it takes to make it happens. Courage isn't something easy to look for. It is something that needed to give in and take. Definitely sacrifices are inevitable, as there is never a free lunch to be offered. When life gets to a stage that courage is the only way to live, it can be a versatile results. There is never a promise for a change, in life, nothing is definite, promises do not work that way. It all depends on the ones who make the decision of their will. 

Keep living is another way to fulfill the needs for a change. And courage has to be dig deep from ones for just a stepping stone to "change". 

Keep living, don't just exist. Life has better options to offer. 

Think for a change, find your courage and passion, then live and keep it going.

Thankyou for reading to the end,

take care, loveya'll,

xoxo,

Today's special, is nothing special.

Halo my imaginees, it has been a long time since my last post about my trip to Crab Island. hahaha There isn't much to talk about my recent life, except super packed time table. I've got a good news which is I pass my ABRSM Grade 7 Theory examination! Yay! What a great relief! But now more headaches are coming, my Sales presentation deadline and my music practical examination! I am so lost right now, I have mere idea about my presentation and my pieces are getting worse. wtf I have limited spare time for my practice. Moreover I am exhausted after my college, I ain't got anymore energy to focus on my piano practice. It brings to me another level of stress now, and ya'know I hate stress a lot, well, I don't see anyone likes them in any way.

Ohh yeah! Another thing is I watched Avengers: Age of Ultron yesterday! Happiness overloaded now! Well, to be very honest, I think the most exciting parts are shown in the trailer, lol. But of course in order to clearly know the story, the movie does do its job well. Some slow motion fighting scenes, I somehow find them quite funny which I don't know why. But as usual, some humor are still blended in well. To me it's like every thing happens so quickly and a bit messy which makes it weird. lol, I've no idea what I am talking now. Maybe I missed some part in the first few minutes, because I went in late, haha. But I don't think it makes a huge difference, hopefully. Still, worth to watch! ;)

x x x

I always want to run, I want an escape to a my kind of innisfree, but I have too much worries to bear. Perhaps, I am not brave enough to take the first step, because I am afraid of the aftermath of my action. But deep inside my heart, I struggle and hope to be freed, then I would be roaming freely in my wish of anywhere. It is really sad to see my soul and body are bound to the reality where I am powerless in control. I am lack of courage that would take me to my land of innisfree. I want to do and take control of whatever I want in my own wish, but life won't be easy to take it in. It loves to go for adventures, and undergo some ordeals to strengthen itself, somehow it tends to forget to enjoy the time it is left with after all this 'experiences'. And it tends to make me believe that I do enjoy the 'experience' it gains, which I have no idea if I really do remember its belief. I just want to escape, to be genuinely free, and letting go of those boundaries, I don't want to get caged in the reality. I just want to go and explore. All I want is peace of mind. 

The world is getting so competitive and I just want to leave the race. It is so tiring to be part of it, choosing not being competitive isn't meaning to lose, in other words it means strong, because I don't need to be competitive in order to prove my strength or win the race. *think-face* However, another question, why do we need to prove our strength or win the race? Is it really necessary? Or is it important? What is the intention of being competitive and proving ourselves and winning a race that would take us to nowhere? Have you really think about them? 

Okay, these thoughts are making me really emotional and it's overflowing now. lol I will leave the answers to you, because everyone has their own ones, and my answer, they are burdens.

loveya'll, take care,

xoxo,

Real or Unreal?

Confusion's  flowing rampantly after the rain

Blurring the vision and the mind

Wondering the past that had been through

Is it real, yet it seems so unreal

The more questioning it goes

The more disguising to be

Ended up conquered by the dark

And falling deep with tears in eyes

Struggling to free yet was tied up strict

Waking up in fear, and wild doubts overran

Cries was never heard since then

So now, is it a dream or is it real?

Life is a one way ticket

we've been trying so hard, but still end up fruitless. Life is never fair, there is no existence of justice. Learn to protect yourself, because eventually one day there will be no one to protect you. Don't rely too much on others, pull yourself together, be independent and strong. Don't be weaklings, live your life to the fullest. Lives deserve better stories for everyone. 

Past will never be altered no matter how hard you try. Learn to accept the past and never repeat the same mistakes. Living in the past only stop yourself from moving on and make your live worse than before. Stand up and look into the sky, find yourself and love yourself. You deserve better. 

Treat yourself better, because you will never know if you're able to see the world on the next day. But not overly pamper yourself. You know what's the best for you, so do the best and be happy. Don't leave any regrets, you only have one chance. 

The train never stops, it keeps moving forward despite  your willingness, because

Life is a one way ticket. 

Only have one ticket for each of us.

#qotd

Mistake is meant to be made, but never meant to be a mistake forever. Forgiveness is never meant to be given, you have to earn it yourself. 

Jam. loves

我以爲

我以爲

以爲自己很堅強

自己很強悍

很清醒

了解


如果我可以橫衝直撞 可以不怕受傷

如果這都是一場迷迷糊糊的夢


我以爲

以爲自己很勇敢

自己很瀟灑

很簡單

知足


如果我可以橫衝直撞 可以不怕負累

如果我可以擁有這般無邪的夢


我以爲 以爲這都是自由的


我以爲 以爲 都錯了



給自己找太多藉口 太多以爲 太寬恕自己了



我也笑了



— 珮   Jam.

chime of bell

Walk into the crowd, when the loneliness is whirling around

The aura of the flower overwhelm the insects 

As it has surpasses the fragrance of the grass 

People trample on as if it is nothing there

Watering the garden with the tears of mine

Thinking of someone who has been living in my mind

Loving the one whom he never knows it's me

How far can I go from now, how long I can stand til my dream

Laughter has left the room, and now the emptiness is conspicuous

Siting alone when nobody is around

When the darkness is getting close

Then I shed my tears and beg for mercy

Wonder how can I go now without my consciousness 

Awaken by the chime of the bell

The nightmare has gone for long, the new start is born

It's the end of the night, and the Sun has rise. 

-Jam.

Jam. lovess

mute.

it's a complete silent, the inside is blank and empty.

no idea about the topics, just flick through without filtering. 

everything goes never like before, mixture of scary yet lonely. 

outsider, they ignore, play within themselves.

pass by like the wind, with no one notice.

cheer in many but looking back, one left behind. 

the inside will never be found, hiding deep within the good and evil.

it hides from everything, including itself. 

it's afraid of looking at it.

dilemma is everywhere. 

that's what made up its life. 

mute itself with no one cares. 

die alone in the darkness with no one knows. 

by the time it comes, spiritless live snuffed out.