J-es-say.

Halo guys, I am still alive uh. lol I don't know why I got the feeling to update my blog, when I'm not sure what to update. haha But anyway, I have plenty of time to talk about crap, since I have finished my homework! yay, happy kid's here! 

Okay, as you know, my intervensi exam has officially ends, but what is scary about exam is the distribution of exam papers, knowing the marks you've scored. wtf It's really horrible when everyone scores good grades when yourself aren't one of  them. haha, apparently, I'm talking about myself. Yeap, although this has been happening since last year, but I still can't cope with it, I feel alienated and inferior of what I've got. lol I feel like an idiot among them, seriously. Sometime, I even got the lowest grade among them. Well, I know someone has to be the lowest right? But to be honest, I hope it isn't me. erm, I know this is a lil bit self-centered but who wants to be the stupid-looking-guy among the friends?. It hurts so much. Okay, I didn't mean to be cruel but true what. However, still have to accept the truth. You have to bear the consequence of  being lazy during exam.

Worse, when better grade people claim themselves score a shit grade. wtf. Then how about me!? I think I have to bang my head to the wall. Okay, I'm trying to think positively every time I score a shit grade, well, it's kind of self-comfort, as I know I have to control my tears from rolling out from my eyes. lol I cry easily, but I scarce cry publicly. Well, regardless not literally outside, but inside indeed. I pretend to be strong, bold and act as if it's not a big matter, because I hope I could be truly strong someday. I do not want to be beaten up that easy.

Sometime, I was wondering how many people can actually know my true face and feeling. I mean, the one who can really comprehend me from my facial expression or every little move of myself whether is act or true. haha Be observant. 

When I stare blankly at something, my mind will automatically run very fast and load a loads of things inside. It's actually working harder than usual. lol I wonder why do I have to think so much? And obviously, why do I have to care so much? It makes my brain aging drastically. I feel tired sometime, to think and care so much. Moreover, it isn't my duty to care for something that will never belong to me. It's actually wasting my time and strength, somehow my mind loves to go against my rational.? 

I am sicked of doing my duty, but I have to do, isn't it? It's part of my life progression, I have to undergo what people have to go through, despite my reluctance. lol The destiny will not change because of your reluctance. This is life man.

What can we do, this is life. We could barely control our life as the environment condition has makes us lost the power to take control of our own lives. Sometime, changes and rules are inevitable.

I laugh at myself, due to my incapability in studies. Seriously, I think I chose the wrong path, but I will strive for the best I can, to keep the promise I've made. Anyhow, it is useless to cry over a spilled milk right? So I have to move on, even though it's gonna be freaking hard, and most importantly I have to starta love what I'm doing and studying right now, because by doing so, I can only make myself feel comfortable with what I've planned. I need to love and passionate about what I'm doing right now, because lacking of passion will actually contribute to a big trouble, as I am those kind of people who will only do what they love. Yup, that's me. lol I could hardly balance myself between obligations and interests. But I'm trying hard right now, especially the addiction towards anime! lol Fortunately, I barely watch anime recently, but I promise only Fairy Tail! I heard that it will be ending soon, if I not mistaken is 30th of March, so I must keep myself updated all the time! haha 

Okay, I think I have written too much today. lol It looks like an essay. haha 

tata xoxo

Don't be in a hurry, the right man will come at last. - Jane Austen

Jam. lovess