Where shall i go?

where shall I go... I can barely see the road ahead..

Confusion and uncertainty mixed up my mind and determination. I'm scared of moving on, but I have to. It's either stay still, or move on. Afraid of moving on, encounter what's ahead of me. I lost my courage, and I'm tired of making a wise decision. I want to be insane, crazy, mad, because being wise and mature is way too tiring. I want to be free, young and reliable. However, I'm lack of courage. 

I want to pursue what I really passionate about, but I'm scared of going after it. It's covered with uncertainty and risks. I'll never go after the uncertainty, I can't afford to lose. I don't want to lose. Life is really horrible, inside of me, the wild and young who is longing to be freed and crazy, yet another side of me, is persuading me to go after a better and safer ones. 

Why am I having doubts at this freaking moment!? Where my determination has gone? ...

When time elapses, I started to have doubts and hesitations which keep me from doing what I'd decided. WHY AM I SO INDECISIVE? WHY NOW? Or I'm not doubting my decision, but myself.? I'm getting further from myself, I look like a complete stranger to myself, out of reach, misfit. I don't know what I shall do, because what I really want, doesn't give me any security. I'm lack of essentials. 

I want to free myself from all these constraints, can I?

It seems so distant from me. 

can I?

...

Life is struggling

immune system is fighting hard

Ello everybody. The weather is getting worse and hotter recently, and unfortunately I fell sick because of it. darn. It's really important to maintain good health, or else you might suffer alot, like what I'm undergoing right now. I couldn't even have good sleep at night, the flu was making me hard to breathe, cough got me sleepless night, a slight sore throat made me difficult to talk. lol So, guys drink more water, minimize outdoor activities and stay healthy! Otherwise, you might be getting yourself into trouble. 

I'm literally sweating right now in my living room without air-conditioner and coughing. lol The weather is killing me so much! It's making me sweating and sickening, annoying! I wish I could use some spell which be able to change the weather more comfortable! haha Moreover, this kind of weather normally causes my rashes to appear again! I seriously, hate it so much, so much! It's not only itchy, but also painful and makes my skin become reddish! So, just take good care of yourself, don't fall sick!

Honestly, my life is getting boring, because other than going out and working, my connection with outside world is actually limited. I really want to go to school, I miss schooling so much, despite those endless assignments, but get to know friends, and spend time with them is awesome and much meaningful than, spending time at home blindly surfing social media. Additionally, I'm sick now, which worsen the whole situation. darn. I probably have two more months to my intake! I can't wait!!!! In the meantime, I'm also nervous and worried, haha, because I'm approaching to another level of education which everything is different and much more harder than before. 

I saw a lot people hashtag #tfios yet I had no idea what was it until I googled it. haha Nowadays, google has become good friend to everybody. tfios, The Fault In Our Stars. I saw my friend bought the novel, and heard about the movie is gonna release soon, coming 15 of July! I think a lot people are looking forward to it because a lot of hashtags and tweets are going on, and I watched the trailer just now. I think it's quite a romantic and realistic story. I wonder how the love story goes after that. hmmmph, I was thinking to get the novel before the movie, but then I thought of my two new bought novels are covered with dust in my book rack. HAHAHA Maybe after the movie, I'll get the novel.? 

And I just found a lot of tissue dumplings around me. teeheeee

Haha, that's all for today's crap talking. 

Bye and take care yo!

Unequal

peeps! I didn't have any particular event or outing recently, last two of my Sunday were occupied with seminars. hmm, I really do hope that it might be helpful for my coming war. Well, well, after received few of my results, I didn't have any special feeling, nor the expected feeling about scoring one digit for a certain section of my 'lovely' subject. Initially, I couldn't take it, but then I just let it be, as I couldn't change the fact that I did score that freaking one digit. Just fed up. Life, huh.

You know, when you are working so hard for something, yet in the end, you get nothing expected from it. When you've been holding it for so long, people get tired. Then fed up with all the facts. So, I've used to it. My failures, I accept them as part of my life. I have also quit crying, never for that freaking one digit, because it doesn't deserve any of my tears. Maybe this is karma, who knows. After tons of failure, you'll tend to be numb upon all the unfortunates and failures happens. You'll be feeling-less towards all the failures and so on, and tend to act normal, despite feeling a slight of disappointment. Sometimes I think it is quite unfair for people who worked hard yet didn't get anything expected. But what to do, when you are not the main controller of your freaking own life. [ Work hard ≠ Expectation ]

Sometimes, expectation kills. When the time you realize, you granted nothing expected, yet working hard like hell, it really kills someone, as if a knife stabs into someone's heart mercilessly from the back. The pain is unthinkable and innocence. Therefore, never rely too much on expectation, as it will kill you anytime. Of course, not entirely zero expectation, yet not super high expectation, especially those boosted with confidence ones. When you fall, it's gonna be a dreadful one, the pain is unbearable, agony is everything you'll feel. Excuses will never be able to conceal the truth. You know what you've done.

I've used to pain. This is a an inevitable process for every human, perhaps. Undergoing pain isn't some kind of torture, yet it's part of growth. 

Be optimistic, life isn't that horrible actually, you just have to twist a bit of your mind to another angle, discover another side of the world.

Jam. lovess

Just another one.

Ohayo! I'm back! Initially, I was thinking to use chinese to blog, but then I think that might be a little bit weird, so I changed it back to English, as I think that Chinese is much suitable for some emo posts. hahaha So, the holiday has arrives, and I am supposed to utilize my holiday with tons of homework and revision as the trial is just around the corner, moreover the trial is freaking important! Unfortunately, I think I may have to sacrifice part of my holiday with family activities. LOL However, I am trying my best to prioritize my revision. Actually, this holiday is quite short as I have tons of things to do, haha, for instant, revision has occupied a huge part of my to-do-list! And I have to catch up a lot of my syllabus by self-study! ... I don't get a thing about those three science subjects! teehee That's why I am regretting of choosing science stream, but it's useless cry over spilled milk right, so I have to be responsible for my decision. I eventually realized, I don't really love science nor addmaths actually! hahahaha

Anyway, I will strive for the best lah. SPM is never a bed of roses, I can't slack anymore...... Hopefully, I can really work hard, minimize using comp or phone and maximize my revision. teehee I must have faith for myself right..... 

I always have the question in my mind, ALWAYS. Will I regret, if I do my SPM terribly? Probably YES. Then, I started to doubt myself every time this question popped in my mind. Why do I have to do that in my SPM? I just have to do my best and strive for the best! What if I accidentally....? .... NO MORE doubts, Jamie. Faith. Believe in myself. Do the best you can, work hard. Fighting! The question is, am I doing it right? Apparently, NO. I am wasting every second of my life right now, doing nothing productive and losing my interest in studying those horrible stuff. The feeling of lost in the middle of nowhere is horrible terrible.... and hideous. Maybe by pretending strong isn't helping to build the realistic one. Pretend can be fatal, sometimes. 

Is persistence helping? Do I have that kind of persistence to go on? I am lacking of something in myself. But I am not sure what it is. I've been finding it for a long time, somehow it's like unapproachable. Maybe I've been unconscious for a long period, I've lost my senses. I always pretend, act as if I can handle, but in fact, it's not the way it is. 

Perhaps, I am just another liar. 

Jam. lovess

我以爲

我以爲

以爲自己很堅強

自己很強悍

很清醒

了解


如果我可以橫衝直撞 可以不怕受傷

如果這都是一場迷迷糊糊的夢


我以爲

以爲自己很勇敢

自己很瀟灑

很簡單

知足


如果我可以橫衝直撞 可以不怕負累

如果我可以擁有這般無邪的夢


我以爲 以爲這都是自由的


我以爲 以爲 都錯了



給自己找太多藉口 太多以爲 太寬恕自己了



我也笑了



— 珮   Jam.

Just smile.

Bello! I am still alive, really sorry for not keeping my blog up-to-date. teehee My life has become so hectic recently, it is all because of teachers who wanted to finish the syllabus before the trial. So, I was dashing off all the homework and tuitionwork too! My life... my life... It might be called pathetic right now, but I hope that in future I can call it hard work. wahahaha 

Wheee, I am so happy that I finally watched Despicable Me 2 and the minions are tremendously adorable! Their language is so unique. lol I don't know why, even though they did nothing, I was still laughing insanely. Their cuteness really overloaded. Sometimes, I wonder if I could live a carefree life like theirs. Even though they were working hard too, but I think it was because of the way they look at the matter, make everything different. I adore them really much, in everything.

A week before Despicable Me 2, I watched World War Z with my girl friends. It's actually a movie which I swear I'll never watch it, indeed I am afraid of watching horror aka scary movies, because I'll have nightmare after that. However, I was convinced by Phi, who is a movie freak. lol So, I came out with a idea which was watch cartoon before sleep. lol I thought maybe it can neutralize my fear towards the zombies. haha, but... it didn't work out, because I was missing my bunny babe! Fortunately, no nightmares! yay!

 See, she is so adorable! I want to own one too...

She may be looking terrified, but still cute. lol

Okay, I didn't bring her home, because I'll never allowed to have pet (except for fish) unless I move out from the house. haha. I was kinda desperate to play with her, so Phi asked the person in charged in the pet shop. Surprisingly, he allowed us to play with her for awhile. Wheeee I was overwhelmed. The moment I held her in my hands, I could feel her heart beat and it was awesome yet magical. Then, I put her on my laps and she stayed there quietly, most probably she was terrified. lol I think I can imagine my facial expression when I held her in my hands, probably look like an idiot laughing stupidly. From that moment, I promised myself I will get a bunny or a dog or both of them in future. They are so adorable and endearing, it's gonna be fabulous to have them in my life. Besides, I think they can make a good accompany for me. Sometimes I trust animals more than human beings. *sorry. 

Of course, pet is not merely pet, they are responsibility too! Once you choose them, you have to take full responsibility for them even though they are ill or getting old. An owner shouldn't abandon their pet no matter what happen! NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN.
Please bear in mind, once you let them step into your life, take good care of them and be a responsible owner. Don't just own them for fun! They are not born for your sudden desire nor a temporary entertainer. Look at the strays... They are the proofs of those irresponsible pet owner, please don't let your pet join their agony life. Save them from suffering by being a prudent owner. If you think you can't, then please choose not to torture them. You can make a change for them. Undeniably, if you have no conscience, you'll feel nothing when you abandon your pet, but I believe, you'll receive your punishment or judgement someday at somewhere. So, please don't ignore the pets' feeling, they are living organism too, they have feelings too.

A decision, can change a life. Or more than one life.


Life is about hold on or let go, accept or reject, smile or cry.

So, just smile. Life will be better.

Jam. lovess

"Are you the one?"

Halo, I don't know what I'm gonna say. lol And actually I am worn out because of some vigorous exercise in this early morning, but I really enjoyed it and it turned out quite surprising to me. :) It's not the matter of win or lose, we gain more than that. The nearer to the SPM, the nearer to the end of my secondary school life. I am wondering, what will happen after I've graduate from my secondary, because I'll never be able to go back to that 5 years anymore, nor my 6 years of primary school life. I kept wondering. 

My life is writing down all my history, all my stories, which will never reappear in future. Time never go backwards, you know. And because of all my missing towards the childhood memories, I started to play my childhood games, like bubbles. Yup, basically it's one of the way to release stress, even though some of you might find it a bit childish, but who cares. The desired naive will never found in nowadays, as we have to deal with a lot of ordeals and challenges which will undoubtedly change our personality. It is normal, very not uncommon, because influences from anywhere will genuinely give us some big shot. I dream a lot, A LOT. And I don't give a damn to bother them, lol, because I know some of them are actually quite nonsense and not practical. Well, I do believe in 'impossible is possible', but Idoubt to apply it on myself, because I know myself very well. Psychologically, what we think about ourselves will affect our personality, perhaps? haha

I dream and think. I dream to become a trillionaire, an ultimately talented person aka genius, a super beauty, a superhero, and so on. I even dreamt to become an anime character. *okay, that might be a little abnormal, but not anymore. loll* Dream can be anything, there is no limits. However, when I think about all of them, none of them is practical. HAHA, maybe trillionaire will do? nah...... I don't know what will happen in future, but I hope everything is gonna be smooth and satisfying. Most importantly, I hope my dream can come true, I mean the practical one. - Fulfill all my desires. Not dream, but everything I wanna do and accomplish which I can't achieve right now. There is too many excuses that stop me from doing it. I really hope that those desires are gonna be fulfilled in future, because those are my dream since I was young. Whoa, on the second thought, I am not kid anymore, I'm a teenager. Time flies uh.

There might be a lot of unsatisfactory appearing within me which I keep them down at the bottom. I don't want to bring them up because I think it's useless to let people know. Or else people might be misunderstood my true meaning. I don't want this to happen, as it might take years or decades for me to explain these loathsome issues. So what's the point to bring it up, right? 

Looking back to my childhood, things were so easy and simple, unlike right now, everything is so freaking different and complicated. I hope I can be indifferent, but the price is too big. But someday, I will, when I have no burdens and worries anymore. I can be carefree and live my life in the way I want. 

Looking uneasily yet eagerly to my future, and ask,

" Are you the One? "

Jam. loves

Long wait.

Halo everyone, I'm back here again! It's been a long time since my last update, it's all words. I know, somebody hates it, somebody is not, perhaps. Whatever, I'm gonna update a short post about N weeks ago, where I had a simple brunch with my mother before Mother's Day. :) Well, actually the main purpose was to repair my phone, since we were there already, LowYat, so we walked to Pavilion for brunch and window shopping of course. :)

After a long walk from LowYat to Pavilion, my mom spotted a cozy Italian cafe. Espressamente, mainly serves caffeine beverages, Itallian cuisine, cakes and so on.. My mom is a caffeine lover, that's why she chose there and I think she has been desiring to try it out, so yea, 'brunch-ed' there. I was also kinda curious about that restaurant, because I have no idea what was that. Well, I would say that the environment may be a lil bit small, but actually quite relaxing and it's a nice place to have a tea with your friends chichat about recent life. The service is quite satisfy too! :)

Espressamente
Lot No. : 3.10.00, Level 3
Tel: 03-2141 0028
Website: www.illy.com

Forgot the name... zzz

Something like Mocha. Well, I would say that it's better than others. WHY? Because it tastes like real Mocha, instead of a chocolate drink. The ratio of mocha and coffee was professionally nice, even though I am not a really caffeine person, I can still differentiate la.

My spaghetti. It tasted so-so la, but the spaghetti was over-cooked. Anyway, it came with a complementary bread (below)

The sauce was really good. Olive oil and balsamic sauce and grilled garlic. hehe Honestly a good combination! 

Next time I'll try out their desserts! They look so scrumptious! I must try it out!! MUST!

Okay, then that's all for a short outing post with my mom. Er, I'll upate about Mother's Day celebration, probably after Monday! Teehee, YAY! Next Monday is the last day of my exam, despite most of my classmates exam is over. lol I must have faith and......... work hard! The last paper... is quite important to me, despite I used to be good in that subject, but not now anymore. Life changes, isn't it?

Next, today is a happy day too! WAHAHA I have an ice-cream and bought lots of stuff. teehee

GREEN TEA! Finally. xoxo

And I've collected another collection of  Hello Kitty of Mc Donald! wheee. A complete collection this time! YAY! Happy kid's here! 

My cacat facial expression. lol eyes, smile... everything. weird.

It's late now, I should be sleeping by now, because I have a date with book tomorrow. Most importantly, I've promised myself to score better grade this time! I must have faith in myself, that I can keep my promise. I must. This is the start off of the war, it's not easy after this. Anyway, the coming holiday is actually the main source of my motivation, because I've been sitting for exams for almost the entire month, and it is dreadfully tiring! Exhausting! I must well-spend my holiday for good purpose indeed! Take nice break, recharge myself then fight again. 

You know, I've been thinking of giving up for few weeks, due to those loathsome exams and pressure from myself. I know, I have to do better to climb to a better place, somehow myself isn't taking any initiative to achieve what I really want. I don't know why it turn out to be so unbalance between my mind and myself. Or maybe I have to meditate to get myself an answer. LOL Reality starts now, after all it is not gonna be as easy as before. 

Those lives in kinder-garden and primary school were the most pure and 'clean' moment in one's life. You will never find those life in secondary, collage and university anymore. Those are precious moment and all of us are missing it really much and wondering how good it could be if we can turn back. However, no. Life never allow that, too bad. Indeed, I want to go back as well, why? Because those moments are so different from now. Simple, carefree, relaxing, naive lifestyle will never be found in secondary, collage and university life. All we can do is only cherish the moment we created, miss it as much as we can and live good for now., achieve the dream that has been swirling in our lives. Do you ever wonder about it?

Dreams uh, another long story. Okay la, time to go now, bye and goodnight! 

Jam. lovess

Not escaping, is leaving.

GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I'm back! Yeah, it was so quiet on my blog since my last update. I am so sorry for not blogging, because of all those endless homework. Honestly, my life is genuinely turned upside down after all the homework was given non-stopping. My life becomes so hectic, I have to dash off all of them within a certain period. I kept telling myself, I am going to die, or No no I can stand all these rubbish. All the dilemma were coming through my mind, and apparently, you can see how my life can be, until now. I am supposed to do my homework, but I couldn't stand anymore to leave my blog dead silent, so I came here and blog something, or whatever. I just wanted to blog, the whim stroke my mind yesterday night, unfortunately, my comp was having some trouble, but everything's fine right now! 

Anyway, my disastrous life is seriously killing me. Undoubtedly, my mid year exam is around the corner, on the coming Thursday. However, I'm still not prepared yet, not even start my revision. wtf I broke my promise.... I did not keep my words to myself. sigh Feel so ashamed of myself. The exam is on next week, less than a week from now. What am I thinking?! Am I alright? Or my mind has gone mad as the homework coming none-stop? I'm gonna emotionally break down man, all the stress from the school and myself is murdering my brain cell and directly influence the balance of my emotion. I felt so depress and lifeless! Can you believe, I haven't go for shopping for a month?! I know, maybe some of you can live without shopping, but whatever shopping is fine with me, I just wanna go out and breathe in some fresh air to wipe off all the  negative thoughts in my mind. However, my weekends is always fully booked with tons of excuses. Like this Saturday is a school replacement, so morning I have to attend school, and evening for my piano lesson! When the hell I have to time to shopping?! 

My life is a mess right now, everything is going disorderly. Everything is out of control?! I just want to live in peace, can't I? I don't want to be over-stressed by homework, or any ridiculous new policy or whatsoever! I just want to live like a NORMAL human. Maybe some of you guys can accept pressure from any aspect, but I can't, I just can't! I'll break down...... and what else, cry lo. Crying is the only way I can release myself from the obligation, is the only chance I can be wanton, is the only moment I can do something without worrying. Cry is not the best solution for everything, but at least you can be freed from the burden for awhile. We aren't not supposed to live like this, we deserve better, we can pamper ourselves with better treatment. Not torturing. It might be sound bit rude using 'torturing', somehow it's true. 

I am only seventeen, a teenager who is waiting for the war. I am growing, developing and exploring the world. I don't want to be feeling fed up with this world by having unnecessary pressure. I don't want to have bad feeling about myself, and negative thoughts swirling in my mind. I just want to be happy all the time..... Somehow this is the biggest challenge in my life. It is not that I don't have jovial memory, but I want my life own it all the time. I am greedy and selfish. I hope my life could be zero sadness and negative feelings, sarcastically that is impossible. I mean, it could be possible, but a life without sadness, is much pathetic. However, I wish my life could be like that. Overloaded of happiness is a dream to everyone perhaps.

People is afraid of losing the game. The game that involve the whole world. People are fighting, comparing, wasting... Some of them is winning the game, somebody's not. This is the balance of the world. The existence of both of them, create differences. The ugliest side of the world is horrible and unbearable. I wish I could just abscond with my purely happiness. 

Sometimes I want to escape from this city, living in the forest peacefully, separated from the outside. It isn't mean that I am escaping from my problem, burden, but I choose to leave the game. 

Jam. lovess 

J-es-say.

Halo guys, I am still alive uh. lol I don't know why I got the feeling to update my blog, when I'm not sure what to update. haha But anyway, I have plenty of time to talk about crap, since I have finished my homework! yay, happy kid's here! 

Okay, as you know, my intervensi exam has officially ends, but what is scary about exam is the distribution of exam papers, knowing the marks you've scored. wtf It's really horrible when everyone scores good grades when yourself aren't one of  them. haha, apparently, I'm talking about myself. Yeap, although this has been happening since last year, but I still can't cope with it, I feel alienated and inferior of what I've got. lol I feel like an idiot among them, seriously. Sometime, I even got the lowest grade among them. Well, I know someone has to be the lowest right? But to be honest, I hope it isn't me. erm, I know this is a lil bit self-centered but who wants to be the stupid-looking-guy among the friends?. It hurts so much. Okay, I didn't mean to be cruel but true what. However, still have to accept the truth. You have to bear the consequence of  being lazy during exam.

Worse, when better grade people claim themselves score a shit grade. wtf. Then how about me!? I think I have to bang my head to the wall. Okay, I'm trying to think positively every time I score a shit grade, well, it's kind of self-comfort, as I know I have to control my tears from rolling out from my eyes. lol I cry easily, but I scarce cry publicly. Well, regardless not literally outside, but inside indeed. I pretend to be strong, bold and act as if it's not a big matter, because I hope I could be truly strong someday. I do not want to be beaten up that easy.

Sometime, I was wondering how many people can actually know my true face and feeling. I mean, the one who can really comprehend me from my facial expression or every little move of myself whether is act or true. haha Be observant. 

When I stare blankly at something, my mind will automatically run very fast and load a loads of things inside. It's actually working harder than usual. lol I wonder why do I have to think so much? And obviously, why do I have to care so much? It makes my brain aging drastically. I feel tired sometime, to think and care so much. Moreover, it isn't my duty to care for something that will never belong to me. It's actually wasting my time and strength, somehow my mind loves to go against my rational.? 

I am sicked of doing my duty, but I have to do, isn't it? It's part of my life progression, I have to undergo what people have to go through, despite my reluctance. lol The destiny will not change because of your reluctance. This is life man.

What can we do, this is life. We could barely control our life as the environment condition has makes us lost the power to take control of our own lives. Sometime, changes and rules are inevitable.

I laugh at myself, due to my incapability in studies. Seriously, I think I chose the wrong path, but I will strive for the best I can, to keep the promise I've made. Anyhow, it is useless to cry over a spilled milk right? So I have to move on, even though it's gonna be freaking hard, and most importantly I have to starta love what I'm doing and studying right now, because by doing so, I can only make myself feel comfortable with what I've planned. I need to love and passionate about what I'm doing right now, because lacking of passion will actually contribute to a big trouble, as I am those kind of people who will only do what they love. Yup, that's me. lol I could hardly balance myself between obligations and interests. But I'm trying hard right now, especially the addiction towards anime! lol Fortunately, I barely watch anime recently, but I promise only Fairy Tail! I heard that it will be ending soon, if I not mistaken is 30th of March, so I must keep myself updated all the time! haha 

Okay, I think I have written too much today. lol It looks like an essay. haha 

tata xoxo

Don't be in a hurry, the right man will come at last. - Jane Austen

Jam. lovess

chime of bell

Walk into the crowd, when the loneliness is whirling around

The aura of the flower overwhelm the insects 

As it has surpasses the fragrance of the grass 

People trample on as if it is nothing there

Watering the garden with the tears of mine

Thinking of someone who has been living in my mind

Loving the one whom he never knows it's me

How far can I go from now, how long I can stand til my dream

Laughter has left the room, and now the emptiness is conspicuous

Siting alone when nobody is around

When the darkness is getting close

Then I shed my tears and beg for mercy

Wonder how can I go now without my consciousness 

Awaken by the chime of the bell

The nightmare has gone for long, the new start is born

It's the end of the night, and the Sun has rise. 

-Jam.

Jam. lovess

How I feel about Today.?

Halo guys, sincerely apologize to everyone who is reading my blog, today I am not gonna update about my CNY. So SORRY to disappoint you. The photos are still in the camera and there are tons of photos that should be cut into the comp, but that will take lots of my precious time. Additionally, I was super busy lately, damn busy with my homework. thanks alot teachers, I appreciate that. x.x I am gonna be knocked down someday, seriously.

Okay, let's talk about How I feel about today. hmm, well it wasn't as special as the special Friday with my classmates, however there is still a lil different about today. I made an unexpected move. :) I never thought I would make that move until today. I summoned up my blood and walked through the awkward situation. LOL

Yeap, I attended the volleyball club activity under the circumference that I didn't know anyone there. Well, I did recognize some of the seniors but they were absent today. So, I know nobody there, neither them know me. But at least I tried to blend in with the new juniors. lol Firstly, it was super awkward when I knew I am the eldest among them and few present are young school-team members who don't know me either. I was standing there ALONE, and nobody really talk to me, I hugged myself with my arms, hoped to get some security and comfort myself, " i'm not really alone. see? people are there, go talk to them, communicate, blend in blend in....". LOL I was like wtf, that was so embarrassing! 

I was once an inactive team member which were N years ago. Then, I left the team, because I was't the important one nor the main member, so my present wasn't a huge matter. Plus, shameful to say that, I couldn't stand those criticism from coach. lol Seriously, those were really sharp comments from her. teehee But  she was right la and thanks to her, I was able to know more about volleyball. By the way, my passion for volleyball is still very strong even after I left the team. :')

Even though it was freaking embarrassed, I still enjoyed the practice today. :) I did something challenging, and I am proud of myself. It proves that I am more independent! hahaha But ah, I still can't forget how awkward was that moment! ahhhhh, get over get over! grow up grow up! lmao

Besides, I felt more like part of the school when I attended the activity today, as I can know more people, talk to other schoolmates, communicate.. Worse of all, I finally realized it is so uncomfortable to know that I'm the eldest among the forms, the Form5. why ah? I feel so old, as if wrinkles are appearing on my face, like an old-wrinkled-lady. omg, what am i talking about?! I am not that kind of appearance, but I feel like one. *facepalm* 

Oh, and Friends are important in our life! haha they make our life more relax and comfortable with their present. Seriously, the awkward moment will be less awkward when we have our friends with us, at least there is someone to share the awkwardness. :) So, cherish the people around you, one day you will know, true friends are so hard to get one when you get to the outside of your world- the true and cruel world, the society.

And passion is also an important element to perfect your life. A life without passion, it's like a life without its soul. :) 

It will turn out something like walking dead.? haha just joking!

Go outside the world, explore the world, explore your life. :)

So, how you feel about today? 

Jam. lovess

Return the smile.

Old pic. :)

*peeps! I'm back from my hectic school life. Seriously, I could barely spare some time to blog recently. Past few days were fully booked by those endless homework! I was exhausted after finishing them, and it was already evening, time to go for tuition! damn, why do I have to live like this? My pitiful life. I didn't even have time to grasp for fresh air! My brain was congested and extremely tired during my tuition. *great. I couldn't absorb any input from my tuition. LOL My brain refused to accept those important information due to the exhaustion. haha

Besides, my friends were busy looking for better post in their co-curriculum due to the marks and grades, except me. I wasn't taking any initiative to fight for any co-curriculum because I am lazy, perhaps. I feel so indifferent to do anything that might ruin my precious time. teehee Yes, I am lazy. However, I tried to be active in my co-curriculum, but somehow just couldn't work out well. Maybe I wasn't taking things seriously, so things just went bad. I thought I might get a post in my club, but then the posts remain the same as the last year. ? damn I really wanted to be active in my co-curriculum and get a better grade, so that it may be helpful in my future. SOMEHOW, things just don't work out! WHY AH?

I feel so bad for not being committed to my co-curriculum activities. I am just lazy to do extra. arghh, I feel so bad for myself! I would rather invest more in my interest, seriously. I do not want to do thing, because I have to, I want to do thing which I love, so that I can do it well. Life, Life, Life.

Sometimes, I feel as if I was out of the topic or out of the group, merely because of some stupid thoughts swirling in my mind. Just sometimes. I often isolate myself, because I do not want to feel unwanted, even though isolating myself isn't doing any better either. LOL However, I tried to blend in, sometimes, I have to summon up my blood to do so and that sounds so stupid. -.- Okay, back to topic!

So... So, I'm thinking should I indulge myself in co-curriculum, in the meantime that it is so meaningless to me. LOL I feel so bad! omg. Honestly, I would rather spend the co-curriculum time to do some revision instead! ;p But I know, co-curriculum is to give us the chance to enhance our speciality in different field, but but but but... I really not interested. :x Anyhow, I still have to work on on my co-curriculum stuff, because I have no choice.

*-- --

Today's PJ period was fun, because finally I got to play volleyball with my friends! And most importantly I think we all had lots of fun HAHA It was a great game, we all were crazy, laughing none stop.

I hope we can still make more these happy moments together! :) teehee loveya guys!

I love this song and him so much. LOL

Jam. lovess

i'm just me, not a tool.

I am so tired  right now, completely exhausted, mentally and physically. Seriously, schooling is tiring sometimes, especially you're forced to carry all the high expectation from the school and teachers. It's so stressful when you are ought take the burden up on shoulders. wtf, to be honest, it's not my business about the school ranking or whatsoever?! I do not think by doing so will make anything good, nor to the students, but maybe for the school?

However, school is a place where students are able to show their talents and potential for something. A place where they can develop their strength, spread their wings, but not restrict their movement. Admittedly, discipline is important, somehow I don't  think overdoing it will do any good. We human, are not birds in the cage, we have the right to choose, but not being obligated to something which is unworthy. We had chose it as you told, but somehow you rejected  our choices. So, what can we do?! Additionally, you had also misunderstood the real intention of the students for being at school. 

I'm not your tools to get onto the top, I am your student. Pushing isn't a good method to reach for the top, even though you may have succeed, but it will cause some effects to the students. May turns out a good effect, what if it's in the other way round, and that's terrible for anyone. School is like a candle light which lead students to a bright future, but in contrast, I think the school may have misunderstood their duty. I wonder why people are so attach to the triumph, the pride, the dignity, the power, when they actually neglected another side of the matter, the aftermath towards other stuff, the severe ones. This is what I'd mentioned before, it changes its path when it has fulfill its desires and own something over-powerful. It just out of control.

I am just tired of being one of the tools of the school, I am a student, a normal student. I am not a genius, but a HUMAN. I am born to live, but not become a tool for you. I live for myself, so stop forcing us to become your tools of reaching for the top. We have the right to choose, as you'd said. I chose not to become your tool, but become myself in school. I study not for the sake of the school ranking, but genuinely myself. Or maybe I misunderstood the school intention of their afford, but somehow the way they put it makes me feel so wrong. I am not condemning any sides or whoever said it, merely want to express my unsatisfactory for these days. It's really tiring, to be your student.

It is normal, when everyone put a high expectation on you, I even tried to ignore it. But when the same thing keeps repeating, it gets annoying. I want to crush everything, especially the so-called expectation. 

Anyway, I think I will get used to it soon, perhaps, since it's gonna be meaningless to me. Their expectation will soon mean nothing to me, because it's nothing to do with me. 

I'm just me, not a tool.
the frustration is there.

phew, feel good after spilling out everything. Yeap, this is life. teehee

Jam. lovess

#2012TaughtMe

Yeap, today is the last Sunday of 2012, and tomorrow is the last day of 2012. I don't know which word would explain all about my 2012, because early of 2012 was a good start, but then changes happened between... then.... It wasn't that pleasant as I expected. My results is awful, and a lot of negative thoughts swirling in my mind.... AND, recently I fell down awfully and hurt my knees so badly. It was a stupid act actually. I kept wondering why would I jump? What was on my mind at that moment. To make myself feel better, I convinced myself that it is destined to fall before 2012 ends...? ( but I dont think it makes me feel any better, in fact it makes me look more stupid and brainless ) Okay, back to topic.

#2012TaughtMe  to conclude 2012 which is gonna become part of the history of my life.

My #2012TaughMe

1. Look up, hope isn't on the ground.
   I've forgotten I found this quote from which movie... It is really motivating and meaningful. I thought of this when I was really really really down due to my terrible results. I tried to ignore what I've been doing for myself which is wrong, because I believe that's what made all these happened. Well, I didn't mean to blame all on that truth, but in fact it's really bothering me that have those bad  habits in my life which would genuinely destroy my interest in study. You know, those distractions are so wrong to exist in my life. 
   But look up, you will found a bigger space to think, and a prettier scene to make you mind clear. The hope, will not grow on the ground, it's actually up there awaiting for you to reach for it. We don't give up easily for something which is unworthy. We clearly know our very own needs, necessaries. Besides, we also have to prioritize the important ones, but in the meantime we also have to take care our interests. Hope is everywhere if you know where to find it. It's useless to think yourself as a idiot just because of a little obstacle happen in your life. We fight for what we always pursuing, we don't just give up for unworthy reason. That's too stupid to do so. We act smart in a right way so that we don't live remorsefully and suffering all the time. Look up, you are stronger than you thought. Summon up your blood and walk through the door, get yourself a better place.
   
   
2. Crazy Thing costs a price. 
   Define, crazy thing....... To my opinion, crazy thing is which something you do without a proper thinking. In other words, it's actually a brainless act. loll Indeed everything costs a price, but crazy thing has a higher price because it's stupid and unreasonable to do it. ( ahh, what am I talking ) All the things on this planet come with an equivalent trade. No gain, No pain. However, on second thought, is crazy thing worthy to try? Somehow, it will give you a remarkable memory in your life, or maybe could change someone's life. I am not encouraging anyone to try to do crazy thing, but think twice before you really want to try to be crazy, because it might bring you to suffer. Like me, I was crazy and brainless enough to jump off from that high place, and in the end my knees hurt so badly and suffering from the pain. ohf, and the school is gonna reopen soon. gg. Well, different people different perspective, and of course different definition for crazy thing. Once awhile, doing crazy thing that will not hurt your body, is something fresh and new. It will actually activate something in your brain, brings out different idea. We have to refresh our brain once awhile by doing new stuff. But ensure your crazy thing is safe to anyone, but not end up make yourself suffer. But, bear in your mind, crazy thing costs a price. :)

hmm, I'm not gonna blog any 2013 resolution or whatever goal for 2013, because I think those are useless and ineffective to me. I always fail to follow my resolution, even though I list ALL out. LOL I do things when I feel like it, and I know my goal very well, To live a happy, freedom life without worries. To achieve that, I need to have money LOL ( just kidding ) That's my goal for my life. Not only for 2013. 

Moreover, 2013 is just part of my life, one of the year in my life. I do not need to set goals for every year, that's wasting my time and energy to come out with those stuff. What I need is for my life, not just part of my life. That's my style of living. I wonder why some of them prefer to live by confining themselves to so many goals? They prefer living that way? ... idk, teehee
I do thing when I feel like it, when I don't feel like it, I leave it there til I have the feel. LOL So, to achieve a higher level of "feel like it", I need to have a strong self-control, because to follow the correct path, control myself from walking to the wrong path is the priority. loll I can promise that, it will be a tough path. haha 

Anyway, my goal is always in my mind. What I want is to make myself comfortable with everything in my life, because I'm the one who is living it. I do not want to limit myself til I'm gonna die, complain, condemn or whatsoever. I live because I am born to this world. Simple life, that's all. 

I live the way I feel like it. 

goodbye, 2012. :)

Jam. lovess

the dream life fight

peeps! Finally my handmade school diary is done! Yesterday, I spent the whole day making the diary. *exaggerated. LOL, no la, only half of a day. Anyway, it's a huge satisfactory after seeing how gorgeous the diary is. teeheeee I racked my brain to come out with a good quote for my cover. I even went to MPH to do some researches by surveying those note books's cover with words on it. LOL I found some of the quote are motivating and meaningful, but the final decision ended up came across my mind. - The dream life fight.
To be frank, those quotes which I researched contain too many alphabets and I couldn't find that many of alphabets through the limited magazines and flyers that I've got. So, few words are more than enough. The Dream Life Fight, so nice right! lol Okay, I'll just make everything short, it's photo time! :)

The cover.

Behind the cover. -Eat Play Sleep Fly. 

Yeap, next year will be a fight for me, but I still prefer to make myself to take it easy, enjoy my life. LOL Of course, it's impossible.

Then, behind the back cover. - Dance Love Sing Live 

I saw this four words somewhere, it's actually has more to say, but I only took the main points. 

Dance, as if nobody sees you. 

Love, as if you have never hurt before. 

Sing, as if nobody hears you. 

Live, as if tomorrow is the end. 

The back cover! I super love this!! I found this gorgeous picture somewhere in the magazines and it caught my eyes! BIG love! 

I was trying to make next year to be a good year, since a battle is ahead of me, less than 12 months from now. People will kick my ass if I keep mentioning that battle since 'as if' there is a long way to go. haha Did you realize that I pasted '2013' behind the cover on the book wrapper instead of in front? Ha, I bet most of you never notice that lil trick! 

Well, you know, the dream life fight isn't only belongs to 2013, it's actually indicates my entire life. I fight for what I want, I fight to achieve my aspiration, I fight for the sake of myself, I fight to get myself the biggest satisfactory in my life, but not being on the top of the world. There is always a fight in our life. That's the lil trick to make our life more powerful and different in our own way.

We are scared of being who we are, because you might afraid of the unpredictable and unbearable aftermaths of releasing the true self of you. By the way, we aren't monster. Why? We restrict ourselves to not cross over the line. And to be honest, where does the line exist? Why there is a line, to manipulate our life that only involve ourselves? Yeap, it is a natural response to what we want and the meaning of doing so. The line is to alert ourselves. Somehow, I think it's better to neglect the line? 

There is a line that we shouldn't cross, Don't be too over. That is what we always bear in our mind. But, to me, I'm trying to avoid it.

Fight, for what you want. You might think that you don't know how to move on in the future, but inside you, actually know what your heart really goes, but something confine us, the fear of making the wrong decision. Normally people can't withstand the denouement of making mistakes, because  we are used to win in every game. The pride, the dignity, the power, the so-called  satisfactory of being on the top. Once we own them, we will never want to let go, those stuff are addictive. Therefore, we are afraid of making a wrong move, afraid of what might costs all them. Well, it's not wrong to have them, but be yourself. Those stuff are easy to change someone's personality, but stay who you are. The fight isn't easy, but once you've make up your mind, you will manage to move on. Believe in yourself, impossible is possible, make yourself comfortable with your decision.

So, let's make next year a good fight.

Jam. lovess

it's a short little dream.

Well, guys I'm so sorry for not updating my blog, because something's wrong perhaps. It's about the storage limitation something, I don't know. So, I can no longer upload large number of photos on blog. Honestly, I wanted to update about my Malacca trip last week, then that storage limitation problem happened. damn it. Therefore, I think to quit blogger maybe, or I'll need to blog without photos. No way, it's gonna be extremely boring posts without photos! I tried to get solution to this problem, but seems due to my shortage of knowledge regarding this IT stuff or whatsoever, I couldn't get any help. Besides, if to upgrade my storage, I have to pay monthly for the benefits, I would say so, benefits. 

hmm, December is here for some time, and obviously, I've started my tuition. It isn't something bad actually, because I need to boost up myself and prepare for the battle. LOL Most importantly, I must quit anime marathon too! I'd been watching anime for the whole last month, merely satisfy myself. It was tiring actually, but I enjoyed it, since I don't have much leisure time to do so next year. teehee Of course, besides watching anime, I did something other than that, I did craft. Something cute and lovely. LOL Anyway, I wouldn't say I wasted my November, but inversely I found myself enjoying the month with anime and craft. :) 

The Elephant!

The bunny!

So, I am going to another stage in my secondary school life, it also indicates the end of my secondary school life! Form5 is the eldest form in my school, and SPM is ahead of all of us. I know, it may be too early to mention SPM, but time flies, you know, we cannot take this too easy! I am afraid of it, because I am not good enough and yet prepare for that challenge. I scared to be knocked out. I am scared to lose. Of course, I don't need to win in every war, because I am still not there yet, but at least the important one, ? I NEED TO. I have to get over it!

Okay, life is hard right, always. We human, develop, grow, change. We cannot stop at one point, we must move on! Remember, time is fixed. :) Enjoy your life while you can, because surprises happens without giving presage. Do things you like, that you enjoy so much, and make it a success! Indeed, it's not a piece of cake, but try, at least you try to achieve you dream! Don't leave any rue in your life! :) Live it to the fullest! 

A song I love. 

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burn

Just because it burns, doesn't mean you gonna die

You gotta get up and try! :)

Dream don't die, I agree. Somehow, I don't know why, someone told me, a dream that comes true is not a real dream, and I wonder why. 

Dream is a thing that separates us from reality, an imaginary world that motivate us in reality?! Because dream can be anything you want, you are the controller, you manipulate everything inside it, all the details are within you fingers. 

I'm sure, dream is a beautiful thing, only nightmares bring us terrible and horrible things. Nightmares ruin the dream, but dream never dies. Dream can be dreadful, if you bring it to reality. Don't mix up dream and reality, you might be the one who suffer.

Jam. lovess