Where shall i go?

where shall I go... I can barely see the road ahead..

Confusion and uncertainty mixed up my mind and determination. I'm scared of moving on, but I have to. It's either stay still, or move on. Afraid of moving on, encounter what's ahead of me. I lost my courage, and I'm tired of making a wise decision. I want to be insane, crazy, mad, because being wise and mature is way too tiring. I want to be free, young and reliable. However, I'm lack of courage. 

I want to pursue what I really passionate about, but I'm scared of going after it. It's covered with uncertainty and risks. I'll never go after the uncertainty, I can't afford to lose. I don't want to lose. Life is really horrible, inside of me, the wild and young who is longing to be freed and crazy, yet another side of me, is persuading me to go after a better and safer ones. 

Why am I having doubts at this freaking moment!? Where my determination has gone? ...

When time elapses, I started to have doubts and hesitations which keep me from doing what I'd decided. WHY AM I SO INDECISIVE? WHY NOW? Or I'm not doubting my decision, but myself.? I'm getting further from myself, I look like a complete stranger to myself, out of reach, misfit. I don't know what I shall do, because what I really want, doesn't give me any security. I'm lack of essentials. 

I want to free myself from all these constraints, can I?

It seems so distant from me. 

can I?

...

Life is struggling